Healthy Relationships - Intimate Relationships

Holiday Sex: How to Have it at Home

Healthy Relationships, Healthy sexuality, intimate relationship, Relationship

Holiday Sex:

Ever wondered why we have more sex on holidays than at home?

It is well known that even the most disconnected couples will have more sex, even better sex, when they are on holidays, rather than they do at home. Holiday sex somehow feels easier…

The reasons for great holiday sex are obvious

We have more time.

We’re more relaxed.

We can leave our stresses behind.

We’re in a different environment, often one that is physically beautiful.

Our partners are likely more receptive.

On holidays we get more present with each other meaning our desire starts to perk up and get our attention.

Permanent holidays aren’t possible

Sadly, most of us are unable to be on a permanent holiday and continually have the best sex of our lives.

And even if we were, the familiarity of that would eventually lose its fire. Unless of course, we learned fabulous tantric tips to keep the fires burning along the way…

Creating the holiday sex feeling at home

But there is a lot that we can do at home that can help us bring in that holiday feeling at home. Whilst sparking things up in the bedroom for some great holiday sex.

reduce the stress in your life by getting some exercise, managing your emotions, try meditation, set clear goals and boundaries, set up automatic bill pay.
Set aside a time to connect sexually and stick to it, the way you would a medical or hairdresser’s appt. Allow at least an hour, preferably two, so there is no rush.
Turn your bedroom be a haven from the rest of the world. It doesn’t have to be as exotic as those shown in the Netflix series “How To Build A Sex Room”. Just having a tidy bedroom, a candle lit and some soft music playing can make a difference.
Each of you have a shower, wear something sexy, or sensual, something different to what you usually would.
Here is the most important part: Come to the space without any expectations or agendas. Other than to enjoy yourselves and each other, whatever this looks like. Expectations are the biggest killers of desire. Expectations set up a sense of obligation, which really is a passion killer.
Be willing to be with each other “in the moment”.

Begin with connection

Start with facing each other and one at a time sharing one or more of the following:

3 things that you appreciate about your partner. This helps to open your hearts and build the connection between you. Spend x 5 mins gently gazing into each others eyes.
one fear, one boundary (something that you might not feel up for today) and one desire.
Sit in yabyum- one partner sits in the others’ lap with their legs wrapped around their partner’s hips. Both wrap your arms around each other with palms flat on your partner’s body. You can connect our foreheads if you wish. Breath deeply here for x 5 mins. This allows all of your major energy centres to connect.

Two different ways to start getting creative

Now you’ve made your appointment, created the space, shown up on time and got connected. How do you ensure/enhance your sexual desire?

Here are a couple of suggestions for creating that holiday feel in sex at home:

Awakening your 5 senses

This is a traditional tantric practice. It works because it helps to turn off the thinking part of your mind and awaken the feeling, sensual part.
Sight: have soft lighting so you can see and appreciate each others bodies.
Sound: have some soft or sensual music playing. Or whisper loving, playful or tantalising things to each other.
Smell: wear a perfume or have scented oils in the air.
Taste: have a variety of simple flavours to taste- chocolate, strawberries, ginger
Touch: try a variety of touches- soft, sensual, firmer, slooow, faster, scratches, slaps (with consent). Try tantric touch- just Try touching with feathers, paddles, ice.
We would add here playing with your breath- deep and slow, short and fast (for short periods). Try nose/mouth , or open mouth breathing. How you breathe changes your sexual experience.
Optional- having the receiving partner wear a blindfold.

Feel into what your desires might be

Each person feels into themselves and their bodies and notices what their desires are.
Desires based in the body, rather than the mind are less likely to be expectations.
When we include awareness of what our body’s are feeling we can discover a whole range of helpful ideas.

Start with where you are at, without making it wrong. For example:

one person may notice they are feeling really tired. The question then is, what do they need to shift into a space more available for making love? Maybe something to snack on, a drink, a shower, a massage.
One person may be feeling resentful, or scared. The question here is again, what does this person need to come into the space? Perhaps a stomp around the room with clenched fists and few growls to help release the resentment (this works better than sharing, as talking resentment can be a downer, unless you think the space between you can hold that. If it is anxiety, maybe the person just needs a space to be heard in their fears or to be held.
One person may be feeling flat and uninspired. Open mouthed breathing x 5 mins can really wake up your energy. Maybe some child’s play could help eg. playful wrestling and growling, free dancing to their favourite music, doing some deep breathing and full body shaking.
Maybe both people are feeling a bit disconnected from each other. In this case sitting opposite each other, looking into each other’s’ eyes and sharing 3 things that you are grateful to the other person for can create connection.

You get the idea- exploring the opposite energy to what the person is in can provide a shift in it. Without the person having to pretend they’re into making love, when they’re really not. Or force themselves into going along.

You’ve created that special space for holiday sex right in your own home

Without having to leave home!

One that will keep your sexual connection going until your next holiday comes along.

Where the sex will be even better, as you’re going there already sexually connected!

Not Getting What Your Want in sex? Maybe it’s not in There…

Communicating In Relationship, Healthy Relationships, Healthy sexuality, intimate relationship, Relationship

You might be thinking you’re really hot to trot and you can’t wait to have some hot sex!

You might be feeling like sharing some orgasmic pleasure with the one you love.

Or, if you’re of the more enlightened type, you might be thinking you really desire to make love. To surrender into a beautiful place with your lover…

So…

the event happens.

And all the things you wanted to happen, happen.

Yet somehow soon after you have been left feeling unsatisfied, even disgruntled.

You might be left thinking that something was missing.

Or you may even have felt, or thought this, during the event.

You’ve got no idea why, or where to look for an answer.

Well, we’ve got the answer for you here

And it’s not likely because your lover did a bad job.

It happens because at a conscious level, you could see what you wanted and why.

Yet at an unconscious level, you were operating in a whole different way.

Your unconscious mind is very sneaky.

Well, it’s not really sneaky, it’s just that you can’t see it. It’s under the surface of your awareness.

Until it gets revealed by what seems like a lucky accident, which is really no accident at all.

As when you bite into an Anzac biscuit and get flooded with feelings and memories associated with the golden, crispy sweetness of Anzac biscuits in the past. Maybe even right back to childhood. Or, it might be an unlucky accident that takes us back to an unpleasant association, making our unconscious seem like a bad thing.

Your unconscious mind isn’t good or bad, as you’ll see, it’s just efficient

Our unconscious mind is not just this dark cupboard where things get stashed out of sight so we don’t have to deal with them.

Kind of like those now embarrassing fashion, or furniture choices we regret, or things we meant to throw out or repair, but never got around to it.

Our unconscious mind is not even a location. It’s a living, functioning psychological matrix.

Its job is to incorporate our unseen parts into a more integrated whole. So becoming aware of things that lie under your mind’s surface is not a lucky accident. It’s your unconscious mind at work.

How is this relevant to your lack of sexual fulfilment?

Your unconscious, ever the opportunist, can try and sneak your deeply held needs into sex, under the guise of sexual desire, in order to get them met. When the needs might not be about sex at all.

This not only detracts from the free flow of your life force energy and reduces your capacity for pleasure. It also leaves you more open to being hurt or triggered when these unconscious needs are met.

When you identify and acknowledge your unconscious needs they no longer act as blocks

If you’re not fully satisfied by the sex you’re having, ask yourself whether you’re really having sex to:

Be needed
Be validated
Get love
Act out or relieve shame
Express anger covertly
Be physically close but avoid intimacy
Have power over something/someone
Get high to avoid real life/relationship issues.

Do you feel any emotional or body response to any of the suggestions on this list? If so, they will be a good place to start looking.

One of the best ways to help you identify any unconscious needs in sex is through your emotions. As your emotions are messengers of your more primal, unconscious mind. Yet we mostly miss out on these gifts of understanding because we make these feelings wrong.

Making What You Feel Wrong

We all have moments in lovemaking where the pleasure, intensity, excitement or feelings of any kind seem to disappear, or even refuse to show up at all. Instead we can feel an emotion surfacing. We stuff it down, thinking that emotions aren’t cool in sex, missing an opportunity to learn about ourselves.

“Emotion plays an enormously important role in sexual desire, arousal and fulfilment. Feelings make sex matter.”
The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin

The emotion isn’t wrong, it just is. It’s your unconscious speaking.

How to Identify Your Unconscious Need:

Being with the truth of whatever is in the moment is the doorway to greater understanding.

take a moment to connect with the emotion
focus on where the feeling is in your body
take a breath into that part
accept it as a messenger
Stay present with it until you get some insight into what is going on under the surface.

Then come back and start making love again if you want.

Or you can do this after the lovemaking, when the sense of something wrong or lacking about the sex you had arises.

It takes acceptance and acknowledgment

When you discover what the real need is for you under the sex, you can just acknowledge it.

To yourself, and if you wish, to your partner. Sometimes this is all that needs to happen, just acknowledgment.

If the need still feels real, you can go about getting it met in another way.

Leaving your lovemaking a clear space for pleasure, connection and love to flow.

Without it being highjacked by your unconscious.

And with the bonus of you feeling better about getting your needs met in an authentic way.

Relationship Apathy: Don’t let it Kill Your Relationship

Healthy Relationships, intimate relationship, Relationship, Relationship Breakdown

If you want to improve your relationship, get onto it early…

Don’t let apathy get in the way…

“Imagine if you found a lump, would you get it checked out quickly or let it go? Imagine how it would be if you let it go untreated for 6 years, you may be in some serious trouble…. The same as couples having difficulties in their relationship, many who suffer an average of six years of unhappiness in their relationship before getting help,” says John Gottman, emeritus professor of psychology and renowned relationship expert.

The answers themselves are sometimes more challenging than “10 Tips To Save Your Marriage’ might imply, but they exist and your answers are unique to you making it not only worthwhile but exciting to discover them for yourself.

One Size Doesn’t Fit All

It is also very difficult to come up with a one size fits all answer to relationship issues, but is more accurate to accept that everyone has them in relationship, in fact they’re unavoidable and perfectly normal.

We see the challenge as not about problem’s themselves,but how each individual takes responsibility in owning and resolving them. Relationship problems are a universal fact of life with every couple, each with particular issues unique to their relationship.
Their relationship dynamics are driven by each, with unique personality quirks brought into relationship, such as feelings of inadequacy, inability to manage anger or identify and express their needs.

If You Desire a Successful Relationship, Then Make an Effort..

Successful Relationships are determined by the degree of effort each individual brings towards resolving their own personal emotional issues and how they bring this into their relationship. Yet many couples remain stuck in suffering or fear, instead choosing to wait on average, about 6 years before seeking help.

Recent research findings on the effectiveness of couples counseling reconfirms the last two decades of research showing that seeking outside help is effective for many couples, with approximately 70% showing positive change. However for 25-30% of couples, counseling is not effective because there is just ‘too much water under the bridge’.

Seek help Early…

All the more reason to seek help earlier as not only do couples succeed, they also achieve happier and healthier life styles. When choosing assistance, it is important to choose a specialist who can manage sessions with more than 1 person in the room.

Couples dynamics are complex and it takes skill to hold, manage and move through their intensity. Unfortunately, un skilled counseling will not help and can actually make things worse, leaving a struggling couple even more reluctant to seek help.

Relationship distress is found to be strongly associated with individual depression, addiction, anxiety, social impairment, poor health and depressed immune function. And if relationship distress involves parenting, their children are much more highly disposed to these problems as well.

So, why is it so hard to seek help ?

In the not too distant past, the quality and expectancy of life didn’t allow the luxury of time and space in developing personal depth and connection with another.

With the dramatic increase in life expectancy and the potential to spend 60 – 70 years or even longer with one person then obviously relationship skills require a totally new approach. Especially when considering the ease and freedom of new opportunities, possibilities and distractions that are now common place for most people.

Originally marriage was all about ownership of property, money and lineage, and monogamy had little to do with desiring to be with just one person for the rest of your life. Modern relationship is now much more about personal desire and individual freedom of choice, but is the skill level required to have this relationship freedom adequate?

I believe we have physically succeeded in creating better and healthier lifestyles, but our evolution of skills in how to integrate these changes into the emotional quality of relationship hasn’t kept up with advances in life expectancy.

But is it fair to place responsibility for relationship apathy on marriage, monogamy or any other model?

Longer Life Means Longer Relationships

The common denominator through these changes is that people have more choice, are living longer, enjoying better health and yet why is this not showing up in happier and longer lasting relationships? Why do so many struggle to the point of giving up or choosing to put up with something that is less rewarding and fulfilling?

Working daily in this field of relationships we come across a huge range of issues, complexities and success’s.

Consistently when relationship “issues” are broken down and delved into there exists a single and common thread of disempowerment or reluctance to delve deeper, to the point of fear or apathy.

This reluctance or fear of delving deeper into, and taking responsibility for owning individual emotional baggage is I believe, the single most significant limitation for any person in relationship in moving forward. They will, for what ever reason, refuse or delay seeking outside support.

There is Always a Way Forward

When any couple approaches us for support or guidance, the first thing we look for is whether they’re on the same page in why they’re seeking assistance. Sometimes their answers are mind bogglingly different in how they see their relationship problems.

It takes skill during these sessions to bring them together in this intensity and into a space where they can each see what is happening and how their patterns are disempowering each of them and their relationship.

With out support, seeing things differently can create an environment in their relationship which is based on their individual fear and shame patterns. Instead of owning their stuff, they project onto or blame their partner and their loving intimate relationship dynamic very quickly becomes a battleground.

Even those couples who have left it too long can, if they choose, reclaim their relationship. If they choose not to, then they will most likely be dealing with these same issues in their next relationship.

It takes determination in relationship to see it through these challenges, particularly relationship apathy, and front up and do your personal development with your partner. If your choice is to be in relationship, it is essential to have a culture of vigilance towards personal growth and essentially, avoid relationship apathy.

Any individual choosing to remain either ignorant or apathetic towards their own learning about themselves will have a challenging time being in relationship.

On The Job Training…

People will always desire to be in relationship with genuine enthusiasm, for emotional connection remains a basic human need, but unfortunately their understanding and skill level in relationship repeatedly will let them down. On the job training is how most of us learn our relationship skills and choosing the right people in supporting your experience is the difference between a life time of happiness and satisfaction and just existing.

Possessing a genuine and enthusiastic desire to learn and experience relationship is what we believe is the main distinguishing skill required to develop the skills required for your relationship success.

So don’t blame yourself, your partner or your relationship for your hurts, instead see this as a lack of decent training and set about getting some!

NB; If you’re one of the 25 – 30%, don’t give up, as we have the skills and experience to guide you through this and support you in claiming your relationship back.