Domestic Violence - Intimate Relationships

Before The Court House Steps

If your relationship is in difficulties, or you know of some one experiencing hard times, do something positive about it NOW.

The Australian Family law court was established in 1976.

“The Court’s goal is to deliver excellence in service for children, families and parties through effective judicial and non-judicial processes and high-quality and timely judgments while respecting the needs of separating families.”

Family Court

Before The Court House Steps

I believe the real work in resolving relationship breakdown, minimising domestic violence and suicide should begin long before any couple reach the courthouse steps.

Our family law system was originally designed to “deliver excellence in service for children, families and parties through effective judicial and non judicial process…”,

What Has Gone Wrong…?

With domestic violence in relationship breakdown on the increase despite the lordly ambitions of the Family Court why is this happening?

Playing a blame game and dumping it all on the court house steps alone is not helpful. Since its inception in 1976, the family law court has been the catalyst for the development of a complex support industry, one that has expanded unchecked. These support mechanisms, such as lawyers, family counsellors and others, that surround the court system also contribute to its systematic dysfunction.

Preying on Vulnerable People is The Shadow Side of This System

The gap between the front line and the court house steps has become a real mine field of predatory and money driven behaviours, or at best ones that are merely naive. These behaviours are preying on vulnerable people and further aggravating an already tense situation for financial gain.

Preying on vulnerable people for financial gain, particularly in the legal system, is the real shadow side of our family law system.

Relationship Breakdown is Becoming More Violent

There is limited information available on the percentage of all relationship failures (not just marriages), compared to how many succeed and what makes them different. But we do know that the consequences of relationship breakdown are becoming more costly.

Statistics ABS 2017 indicate 87% of women do not report violence to the police, with 97% of men not reporting, so it would be prudent to assume this problem is potentially much larger than what is currently understood.

After relationship breakdown and separation, 37% of women experience violence and 35% of men experience violence from their recently estranged partner.

Police at The Front Line of Domestic Violence

Our police across Australia, daily at the front line of domestic disputes, currently attend 5000 call outs per week. Unfortunately, police are only called in after things have really got out of hand.

Clare Blumer, in her 2016 ABC article….

“There is no standard definition of domestic and family violence across all jurisdictions in Australia and no standard way for counting the number of police call-outs to situations related to domestic violence.”

Police Intervention is Essential, Yet Preventable

Police must and do intervene, sometimes at great personal risk, to assess and calm things down. In some cases, they are instructed to then remove the most obvious threat, regardless of who is the instigator and even if both have contributed equally to their situation.

Because the man is usually stronger, larger and can do more harm, he is usually the person removed, as men can, and do, resort to physical violence as their means of regaining control.

In these circumstances, police may issue a AVO/DVO on one.

In other cases, one or both of the couple may apply themselves, sometimes both have court orders on each other and still live under the same roof.

These steps do force behaviour changes, as any breaches then become criminal offences with long lasting effects that most people have no understanding of. Yet even these orders are breached with those doing so suffering the consequences.

Couples Are Still Not Required to Seek Support

For the couple, there is still no pressure of responsibility or ownership in seeking professional help.

This is where the court system becomes part of the problem rather than the solution, by supporting applications for protection without checking their legitimacy.

As a generalisation in domestic abuse situations, men and women react and respond very differently, even when both have contributed equally to their current situation. Men are more overt in their violence, women more covert.

For some women, court orders are an attractive and convenient ploy in their own version of the power play game.

A claim of “alleged violence” can be used as a form of control and abuse, and often used with impunity.

This form of control is destructive to any relationship, as when men use physical threats and abuse as their fall back position in attempting to regain control.

Glen Pools Parliamentary Submission “Stop Male Suicide”

“When we listen to the lived experience of men involved in family law matters, a common

theme is that they are subjected to false allegations, sometimes resulting in an ADVO

(apprehended domestic violence order).

False allegations appear to be a uniquely gendered crime. Research by the Crown

Prosecution Service in the UK found that 92% of people suspected of making false

allegations were female and 98% of alleged victims were male.”

and goes on further to add…

“One survey of 68 NSW magistrates concerning apprehended violence orders (AVOs), found

that 90 per cent agreed that some ADVOs were sought as a tactic to aid their case in order to

deprive a former partner of contact with the children, which suggests the issue merits further

investigation.

While the question of false allegations is a difficult and uncomfortable issue to address, the

problem does exist and has been associated with increased suicide risk.”

A Golden Opportunity for Intervention

At this point, there exists a golden opportunity to issue both sides of this relationship breakdown with an order and condition that they both seek professional counselling ASAP.

Any system that automatically blames one gender will fail, if therapy is to work, then both sides must attend.

This may be interpreted as a threat to liberties etc, but how many more people need to die before this message gets through, considering how few couples seek voluntary support…?

Psychology Today contributor Author of Master Conflict Therapy, Stephen J Betchen states

“This struggle for control can be more destructive to relationships than most people realise. In some couples the battle for control can escalate into emotional and physical abuse, which should come as no surprise given that power and control have long been positively correlated with abuse”.

Glen Pools Parliamentary Submission “Stop Male Suicide”

“To achieve this we need to confront that fact that female perpetrators and male victims are

less likely to be identified within the current system of family law and that a better system will

need to be more effective at reaching these under-represented groups if it is to be help

reduce the high rates of suicide linked to family violence.

Our ability to prevent female perpetrators and male victims from dying by suicide will be

limited if we continue to make these individuals invisible by downplaying their existence and

invalidating their experience.”

The System is Not Working

The system is clearly not working and is desperately in need of change, but not so much the court itself, but more guidelines and enforcement for the support industries.

Changing priorities towards timely intervention of support and guidance for couples having difficulties long before they reach the courthouse steps should be a priority.

I believe the most important aspect of change is beginning with and simply making relationship breakdown and domestic violence a non gender issue, treating all genders equally.

Statistics clearly indicate this fact, so why are we still locked in making this issue all men’s fault?

AVO/DVO applications should automatically require compulsory couples therapy.

I believe it would make a difference if all Police, Doctors, Social workers and other professionals, on becoming aware of potential relationship breakdown problems, supported a system of earlier and automatic intervention, that included BOTH sides of the relationship, regardless of fault.

This order would compel the couple to seek help earlier, and would then be on record.

This whole process could be overseen by social workers, who would then have records of abuse, the amount and quality of help received and other details.

If there exists potentially traumatic abuse issues, intervention would assist in identifying future dangerous situations, especially any abusive and suicidal tendencies, allowing and supporting significantly more positive outcomes.

Left alone, these patterns can and do escalate into destructive and damaging behaviours, which is only a very short step into something much worse, as we have seen in violent deaths as a result of family breakdown.

Early Intervention is Essential

Earlier intervention would go a long way towards minimising the pain and trauma in that highly charged and emotional state.

Currently courts and police waste time getting caught up in these control seeking and game playing antics.

Regardless of quality of the therapy (and we do need to be training many more and better relationship therapists), letting a couple know that they are now responsible and being held accountable for what happens behind closed doors can only be a positive step.

The real work in relationship breakdown, domestic violence and suicide prevention should start long before any couple winds up on the court house steps.

Background….

Early Intervention

Early intervention is essential in relationship breakdown, yet when most people are left on their own, because of Relationship Apathy, the average time span from the emergence of an issue to when couples actually choose to seek help is 6 years .

Far too many couples don’t seek help, usually out of shame in admitting they have a problem they cannot resolve themselves or fear of the counseling process.

Sadly, according to ABS austats, the average length of relationships prior to divorce is 12 years, with failure of second relationships nearly 70%.

Relationship Breakdown is a Breeding Ground for Domestic Violence

Relationship breakdown is the breeding ground for a significant percentage of violence, abuse and suicide.

Also, when defining domestic violence and abuse it is important to include all aspects of physical and emotional abuse, including demeaning or embarrassing comments, put downs, pushing, slapping, choking, prevention from seeing friends/family, controlling money, threatening and preventing access to children are just some.

Victims of domestic violence include partners, children, siblings and parents.

Current Debate has Become a Gender Blame Game

The current debate around domestic violence is intensely emotional and has been reduced to a gender blame game.

Glen Pools Parliamentary Submission “Stop Male Suicide”

“When more than 800 murders and suicides a year are linked to family violence (and two

thirds of those who die are male) we cannot allow those who take a one-sided gender political

narrative violence to prevent us from confronting the incontrovertible link between family

violence and suicide in Australia, that places the lives of both men and women at risk”.

On one side, we have a well funded and vocal feminist movement, publicly making claims how vile men are, and how important it is for the system to protect vulnerable women, and on the other is a silent majority of male deaths

Currently, 1 woman per week is murdered by her intimate partner, with the total number of deaths being 15 times higher, when including men and other family members, and relationship breakdown related suicides.

At the moment, we are experiencing a surge in the numbers of women murdering their children, as women murder more children in Australia than men.

Men are Only Half the Problem

Holding men solely accountable for domestic abuse and violence is vital but is only dealing with half the problem. This issue is not gender based considering that two thirds of all family violence deaths are male, including deaths of domestic violence suicide.

Limiting this debate to only one aspect of domestic violence is costing lives.

As awareness of abuse is increasing, we are experiencing a rapidly increasing number of vulnerable men who need support and guidance but have limited options of support available.

We need to better support, and call to account, all aspects of domestic abuse and violence by both men and women.

I Have Been to That Suicide Edge

I have been forced to the suicide edge myself, and nearly became a statistic, and as a man, I intimately understand how hopeless and isolating this process feels, with the most damaging part being how little empathy or acknowledgment men like myself receive in this place.

Decades later, I still feel this, and it still impacts my relationship with my adult children.

It is that savage.

Not Dealing With Relationship Breakdown

Anxiety, Domestic Violence, Healthy Masculine, Healthy Sexual Masculinity, Men, Uncategorized

Not Dealing With Relationship Breakdown

is

Our Hidden National Tragedy

Australians are reeling from the recent horrible & tragic consequences of a relationship breakdown in Brisbane, where a husband and father brutally murdered his wife and three small children, before stabbing himself to death.

There can never be an excuse for this kind of act.

Police had been involved

Prior to this horrific incident, police had been involved in this couples’ relationship breakdown, and had advised both of them to seek support regarding domestic violence and an ongoing dispute over child access.

Soon after this violent incident in Brisbane, an obviously distraught police investigator, who was involved at the scene of the crime, stated in a media interview:

“Is this an issue of a woman suffering significant domestic violence and her and her children perishing at the hands of the husband, or is it an instance of a husband being driven too far by issues he’s suffered by certain circumstances into committing acts of this form?”

He has since been stood down for these remarks.

Listen to His Words..

What is happening to the system

What has happened to a system designed to support both the people (and the children) involved in a relationship breakdown in a fair, humane and equitable manner, or has the system itself become part of the problem?

My own personal experience of this system

My own personal experience of dealing with this system as a man back in 2000 pushed me to the edge, where I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I believe this recent incident has brought further to the surface, the ugly side of how the complex issues of relationship breakdown are poorly understood and handled.

Information available has limitations

In writing this article, I have spent many hours searching, reading and deciphering statistics, statistics and more statistics.

One thing from that search became very clear: relationship breakdown and domestic violence are not gender issues, but people issues. Yet they are being handled from a gender standpoint.

Finding an accurate picture is still very difficult, when (according to the ABS2017, Australian Bureau of Statistics) 87% of women don’t report domestic violence to the police and neither do 97% of men.

The reliable statistics we do have come from hospitalisation, coroner and police reports. The ABS2017 itself comments that their available data is limited, and are broadening their survey questions in an attempt to capture more of this picture.

Male suicide is barely the tip of the iceberg

Beyondblue survey has found Ambulance data indicates 30,197 attendances for men who attempted or had suicidal thoughts between 2015 – 16, yet hospital figures identified only @10,000.

“This study tells us that what we know about male suicide is just the tip of the iceberg” Beyond Blue Chair, Julia Gillard.

According to ABS2017, relationship breakdown is the common denominator for both men and women in exposure to violence, with 39% of women and 35% of men experiencing partner violence after separation.

An unpalatable truth

Surely these statistics show a perhaps unpalatable truth in the current social and political climate: that BOTH gendered partners are equally capable of unspeakable acts of violence and cruelty, in the common and highly volatile fuelled up and emotionally charged state of relationship breakdown.

See this next Link about the 2017 tragedy in Cairns, were Raina Thaiday murdered eight children in her care, aged from 27 months to 14 years, 4 boys and 4 girls. Seven of these children were her own, and a niece.

Police are forced to act

In my work as a Relationship Counsellor, I have regularly spoken to members of the police force involved in the hands on aspect of relationship breakdown.

They say that often they’re taking the wrong person ie. the man, away in handcuffs, where it is obvious that both people have been involved in creating the situation.

Making domestic violence a purely gender issue, and heaping all the blame and responsibility onto men, is I believe, making a bad situation worse.

We have a people problem, rather than a gender problem.

With partner violence, a woman is murdered every 6 days and a male every 10 days, yet when all other family members are included, such as children and siblings, victim numbers become relatively even.

My own experience of relationship breakdown

As a partner and parent, I went through my own relationship breakdown in 2000.

I still struggle to put into words the lasting effects of the systematic cruelty I experienced simply because I was a male. I lost my kids, I went from being full time with them to being ‘granted’ 4 days a month.

I was devastated, I spoke up and was simply told “this is the best things for the kids.”

How could I argue with that?

I still have those lawyer letters…

Under this system, my feelings were used against me

My emotionality, the fact I had feelings was used against me, I was devastated, deeply hurting and just plain lost didn’t matter.

My wife and her lawyer deemed I was unfit to have any increase in custody and even threatened an intervention order if I breached any of the ‘list of rules’, such as driving onto the property to pick my kids up.

I was forced to park out on the road, hundreds of meters away.

My solicitor was blunt when she cautioned me my actions or reactions were teaching and influencing my kids in how man treats women.

I had nowhere to go

My hands were tied with nowhere to go, but to suck it up.
Something died in me during this time.

My sense of loss and helplessness was, and still is painful even 20 years later.

Prior to our separation, as our long-term marriage faltered, we sought help.

During our couples counselling, I had my first gob smacking exposure to this undercurrent of bigoted ignorance towards men.

Why wasn’t I asked the same question ?

Our young woman counsellor asked my wife if she had ever been hit, or had experienced any form physical abuse or violence from me, to which she said no.

The counsellor moved on and I interrupted her and asked why didn’t she ask me that same question?

She just looked at me, as if I had suddenly contracted a contagious disease, then continued to move on.

I interrupted her and said that I had been hit on several occasions by my wife and what did she have to say about that?

Without a pause, she continued on with her diatribe and I lost much interest in couples counselling, even though we did try several others with even less success.

Some therapists make better truck drivers

Looking back, I see it now as total incompetence in relationship counselling, and I believe some therapists would make better truck drivers.

I see too that poor therapy is very damaging and that having no therapy is safer than bad therapy.

This is an article from ABC on poor therapy

Decades later, this whole event still saddens me.

My 3 children were also hurting and confused at that time. They felt then, and still feel, that I had abandoned them.

I didn’t want to end up in police custody

At their age, I couldn’t tell them what was really happening.

I wouldn’t say that I couldn’t see them simply because I was told by their mother and her lawyer that this is the way it is done.

And I didn’t say that any attempt by me to see more of them would most likely land me in police custody.

The local school could see what was happening, and suggested I come and sit with my children at school, especially my youngest.

My emotion was intense, my youngest just sat on my knee, clung to me and we both cried and cried. I only did this a couple of times, as it was too disruptive for everyone, including her class and teacher.

For me, losing access to my children, created in me a sense of powerlessness, overwhelm and pain that was and still is indescribable.

I am still shocked, decades later how cruel the system still is

I still shocked today, decades later, how heartless and inadequate our system was, and still is for vulnerable men who are hurting.

At no point during the first 18 months of separation was I given any credit or acknowledgement that I loved my kids or that I had a right to see them.

I was the token male whose sole function was purely for financial support and how dare I have feelings for my kids…

My access was measured and limited by financial reasons.

If I was allowed more than a certain number of days per year, the amount I paid would be reduced, which was determined by their mother and her lawyer.

My experience with the Family Law system was beyond belief, every step in this process took months and cost 000’s, with a greedy, heartless and extremely predatory legal system supporting it.

Meeting the Child Support Agency

After separation my ex’s legal genius advised her to remove all joint money and freeze all our bank accounts, in spite that I had agreed and supported her managing business accounts and finances.

On top of lost access, my cash and business accounts had gone or were frozen, despite having a business to run, to live plus child support to pay.

Now I just had to do it with no funds, business or other financial means.

I contacted the Child Support Agency explaining my situation.

They were very clear and stated that my next payment was due next week and they expected it to be made, otherwise there would be penalties.

There was no offer of support or guidance, just a simple threat “pay up or else, and it’s not our problem…”

That really pissed me off.

During the first 3-4 months of hell and indescribable agony of separation, I was slowly and steadily sliding into a deep dark hole.

I was in a bad way

I was unaware of my decline, I was in a bad way.

I remember a conversation at this time with my parents, about what was happening

They refused to believe it and declined to help me, stating that my ex “would never do a thing like that”.

I felt betrayed, I walked out and never had a conversation about that or much else with them again.

A few days later, I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I held my breath and was about to pull the trigger, when the family dog jumped into the front of my ute with me and broke that spell.

I ended up out on the ground, vomiting, and I think I must have blacked out, as when I came out of it the dog was lying beside me with its head resting on my chest.

I broke into tears at the sheer helplessness of my situation.

From that point, I started to climb out my black hole.

I rang Lifeline later that day and a friend was on duty and I spilled my story.

As a current and active Lifeline counsellor, I knew Lifeline was absolutely brilliant, it is free, confidential & 24/7 for any phone call.

Plus, they have one of the most comprehensive computerised data bases of all local services available for people in crisis, like me.

My friends at Lifeline knew something was happening in my life, and after that call, my support really kicked in.

From that moment in time, I threw myself into every kind of self-learning and personal development I could lay my hands on so I could do better than just survive.

Some of this learning happened on weekends.

My ex refused to swap these weekends with me so I missed out on several with my kids during this healing phase, her routine was more important than kids seeing their father.

This meant sometimes four, and at one point six weeks between visits, even though they lived locally.

I will never get that time back.

If I was successful in my ‘attempt’ to end it all, nobody would have known my agony or my reasons, and most likely my actions would have been put down to a ‘mental illness’.

Even today, only a handful of people know my story and how I felt during that time.

Man up

It’s as if “men don’t have feelings, so man up and get over it…”.

Even life long friends bailed out of my life during that time.

From my own personal experience with this systematic form of ignorance, cruelty and torture, I understand (but do not excuse) how men take their own lives or, God forbid, act out something much worse.

According to the Australia Brotherhood of Fathers , 21 men in Australia commit suicide each week as a result of relationship breakdown and our Family Law System.

Out of a total of @ 2,700 Australian (ABS2017) men who suicide each year, that’s over 1000 lives annually, lost to systematic ignorance and cruelty.

Continuing a one sided approach in managing our national tragedy of relationship breakdown and domestic violence is clearly not working.

We have a people problem, not a gender problem..