Blog - Intimate Relationships

Women Are Not Losing Interest in Bed…

Healthy Female Sexuality, Healthy sexuality, intimate relationship, Relationship

Women are not losing interest in bed…

They’re losing interest in the sex they’re having…

There is much said about lack of feminine libido in the world these days. Yet when we we get a bit closer to women and hear what they really have to say it is not sex they’re losing interest in.

It’s more that they are losing interest in in the sex they’re having- disconnected, performance based sex. Sex that is not a shared experience. Sex that is not pleasurable, that is even painful. Sex that leaves them feeling like a semen receptacle.

Women are as caught in this conditioned way of having sex as men are, but are more fed up and wanting something different.

Women generally are interested in mutually connecting, equally pleasurable and deeply satisfying, even magical lovemaking. This is the sex they WILL find the time and motivation for. And why wouldn’t they?

Women are looking for connection

There can be many reasons behind why a woman’s libido has gone out to lunch but here we’re going to focus on the aspect of connection. Women are NOT losing interest in connection, and will only do so when hell freezes over…

Men want connection too.

Yet don’t we connect through the very act of sex, through two bodies becoming joined into one?

Well, yes. But this is only the most basic layer of connection.

There is more…

It’s where we are inside of us that takes connection to a whole different place. It’s starts with how connected are we to ourselves. If we’re stressed, worn out, living in our heads, not feeling our emotions, living in unused bodies then the sex we’ll have will have a minimum of connection.

So how do we get more connected?

Well, we don’t need to get a new lover, there is much we can do in getting more connected with ourselves that makes sex more fulfilling and will likely get our partners more interested in us too. Without any nagging…

Say YES to this part of yourself.

Your body listens to what your mind says and the more you say YES to it the more it will say YES to you! (The opposite is also true and you don’t want that!). Recognise that you are a sexual being and take ownership of it. It takes courage to do this, but it is SO worth it. It makes many doorways open.

Make the time to put some physical exercise into your life.

Awaken your body for the best of reasons- better sex! Through brisk walking, taking the stairs, playing sport, bike riding, yoga, gardening anything to get your blood pumping, your muscles working and your energy moving. And remember to stretch afterwards to keep your body supple and give the energy room to move.

Practice breathing.

Yes, we know you’ll be doing it anyway, but why not optimise it by regularly taking deep, full breaths into your belly, expand up into your chest and then just let go (preferably exhaling out through your mouth)! Ah, it feels SO good. Breathing optimises your body’s energy levels so make the most of it anywhere, anytime! You’ll be so glad you did.

Put your attention inside your body and experience what you’re feeling inside you.

You know what the biggest resistance people have to feeling their feelings? They don’t like what they find! If you can let go of any negative judgements about what you’re feeling and just feel, breathing into your feelings (whatever they are) turns them into energy for living and loving.

Do something sensual with your body.

Put on your favourite sensual songs and move to them, feel their chords moving through and uplifting you. Or stroke your body all over in a way that feels good to you (yes, even guys benefit from this), including your breasts and your butt (guys too). Moisturise your body with oil or lotion. Anoint yourself with your favourite essence. Slowly eat something raw and bursting with vitality like a juicy peach or a fresh salad. Appreciate something visually beautiful, whatever grabs your attention.

Find something to be grateful for and feel it opening your heart.

Do something sexy.

Wear something that has a sensual feel, looks good or moves with you. Show a bit of cleavage, bare shoulders or legs. Go without knickers. Flirt with your partner, have some fun with yourself. Don’t focus on your partner’s reaction, focus on having a good time in yourself, this way you can’t lose! Watch a sexy movie. Take it up a notch and self pleasure, taking time to breathe your energy through your body, nurturing and energising you.

Lighten up about life…

Enjoy all of this for yourself! The more you own your own body and the pleasure it is capable of the more you will experience it. Fill yourself up with how good it feels. Invite your lover to share you. Let them feel your wanting. There is nothing more desirable than feeling desired (when the desire is clear and not manipulative). Get together and drop into the here and now moment. Just look at each other and take a few breaths, feeling your own bodies.

As we always say, sex is better when you relax at the beginning rather than just at the end.

Don’t react from those tired old sexual habits you’ve been using

Instead just wait to see what inspires you right now, and go from there. The more you live in each moment the more the next step will arise. And the more authentic and juicy it will be! When you feel sexual desire, breathe it up through your body to your heart, either along your spine or straight up through your centre. Or take it right up to your Third Eye. Where your mind goes your energy will follow. Feel it energising, nurturing, opening and expanding you.

Be open to magic happening.

Not all sexual pleasure is about orgasm. We can also experience other felt senses such as feeling at one with our lover or the universe; feeling the sky, the sea or all of nature inside our bodies; sensing that you’re somehow standing at the beginning of time itself; seeing the earth appear inside your lover’s eyes. If you open to your potential by being fully in your body you’ll activate your intuitive mind where all sorts of things can happen.

Does this feel like sex you would both be interested in?

If you would like support putting these suggestions in place or removing blocks to doing so email us or call 1800 826 872.

Holiday Sex: How to Have it at Home

Healthy Relationships, Healthy sexuality, intimate relationship, Relationship

Holiday Sex:

Ever wondered why we have more sex on holidays than at home?

It is well known that even the most disconnected couples will have more sex, even better sex, when they are on holidays, rather than they do at home. Holiday sex somehow feels easier…

The reasons for great holiday sex are obvious

We have more time.

We’re more relaxed.

We can leave our stresses behind.

We’re in a different environment, often one that is physically beautiful.

Our partners are likely more receptive.

On holidays we get more present with each other meaning our desire starts to perk up and get our attention.

Permanent holidays aren’t possible

Sadly, most of us are unable to be on a permanent holiday and continually have the best sex of our lives.

And even if we were, the familiarity of that would eventually lose its fire. Unless of course, we learned fabulous tantric tips to keep the fires burning along the way…

Creating the holiday sex feeling at home

But there is a lot that we can do at home that can help us bring in that holiday feeling at home. Whilst sparking things up in the bedroom for some great holiday sex.

reduce the stress in your life by getting some exercise, managing your emotions, try meditation, set clear goals and boundaries, set up automatic bill pay.
Set aside a time to connect sexually and stick to it, the way you would a medical or hairdresser’s appt. Allow at least an hour, preferably two, so there is no rush.
Turn your bedroom be a haven from the rest of the world. It doesn’t have to be as exotic as those shown in the Netflix series “How To Build A Sex Room”. Just having a tidy bedroom, a candle lit and some soft music playing can make a difference.
Each of you have a shower, wear something sexy, or sensual, something different to what you usually would.
Here is the most important part: Come to the space without any expectations or agendas. Other than to enjoy yourselves and each other, whatever this looks like. Expectations are the biggest killers of desire. Expectations set up a sense of obligation, which really is a passion killer.
Be willing to be with each other “in the moment”.

Begin with connection

Start with facing each other and one at a time sharing one or more of the following:

3 things that you appreciate about your partner. This helps to open your hearts and build the connection between you. Spend x 5 mins gently gazing into each others eyes.
one fear, one boundary (something that you might not feel up for today) and one desire.
Sit in yabyum- one partner sits in the others’ lap with their legs wrapped around their partner’s hips. Both wrap your arms around each other with palms flat on your partner’s body. You can connect our foreheads if you wish. Breath deeply here for x 5 mins. This allows all of your major energy centres to connect.

Two different ways to start getting creative

Now you’ve made your appointment, created the space, shown up on time and got connected. How do you ensure/enhance your sexual desire?

Here are a couple of suggestions for creating that holiday feel in sex at home:

Awakening your 5 senses

This is a traditional tantric practice. It works because it helps to turn off the thinking part of your mind and awaken the feeling, sensual part.
Sight: have soft lighting so you can see and appreciate each others bodies.
Sound: have some soft or sensual music playing. Or whisper loving, playful or tantalising things to each other.
Smell: wear a perfume or have scented oils in the air.
Taste: have a variety of simple flavours to taste- chocolate, strawberries, ginger
Touch: try a variety of touches- soft, sensual, firmer, slooow, faster, scratches, slaps (with consent). Try tantric touch- just Try touching with feathers, paddles, ice.
We would add here playing with your breath- deep and slow, short and fast (for short periods). Try nose/mouth , or open mouth breathing. How you breathe changes your sexual experience.
Optional- having the receiving partner wear a blindfold.

Feel into what your desires might be

Each person feels into themselves and their bodies and notices what their desires are.
Desires based in the body, rather than the mind are less likely to be expectations.
When we include awareness of what our body’s are feeling we can discover a whole range of helpful ideas.

Start with where you are at, without making it wrong. For example:

one person may notice they are feeling really tired. The question then is, what do they need to shift into a space more available for making love? Maybe something to snack on, a drink, a shower, a massage.
One person may be feeling resentful, or scared. The question here is again, what does this person need to come into the space? Perhaps a stomp around the room with clenched fists and few growls to help release the resentment (this works better than sharing, as talking resentment can be a downer, unless you think the space between you can hold that. If it is anxiety, maybe the person just needs a space to be heard in their fears or to be held.
One person may be feeling flat and uninspired. Open mouthed breathing x 5 mins can really wake up your energy. Maybe some child’s play could help eg. playful wrestling and growling, free dancing to their favourite music, doing some deep breathing and full body shaking.
Maybe both people are feeling a bit disconnected from each other. In this case sitting opposite each other, looking into each other’s’ eyes and sharing 3 things that you are grateful to the other person for can create connection.

You get the idea- exploring the opposite energy to what the person is in can provide a shift in it. Without the person having to pretend they’re into making love, when they’re really not. Or force themselves into going along.

You’ve created that special space for holiday sex right in your own home

Without having to leave home!

One that will keep your sexual connection going until your next holiday comes along.

Where the sex will be even better, as you’re going there already sexually connected!

Not Getting What Your Want in sex? Maybe it’s not in There…

Communicating In Relationship, Healthy Relationships, Healthy sexuality, intimate relationship, Relationship

You might be thinking you’re really hot to trot and you can’t wait to have some hot sex!

You might be feeling like sharing some orgasmic pleasure with the one you love.

Or, if you’re of the more enlightened type, you might be thinking you really desire to make love. To surrender into a beautiful place with your lover…

So…

the event happens.

And all the things you wanted to happen, happen.

Yet somehow soon after you have been left feeling unsatisfied, even disgruntled.

You might be left thinking that something was missing.

Or you may even have felt, or thought this, during the event.

You’ve got no idea why, or where to look for an answer.

Well, we’ve got the answer for you here

And it’s not likely because your lover did a bad job.

It happens because at a conscious level, you could see what you wanted and why.

Yet at an unconscious level, you were operating in a whole different way.

Your unconscious mind is very sneaky.

Well, it’s not really sneaky, it’s just that you can’t see it. It’s under the surface of your awareness.

Until it gets revealed by what seems like a lucky accident, which is really no accident at all.

As when you bite into an Anzac biscuit and get flooded with feelings and memories associated with the golden, crispy sweetness of Anzac biscuits in the past. Maybe even right back to childhood. Or, it might be an unlucky accident that takes us back to an unpleasant association, making our unconscious seem like a bad thing.

Your unconscious mind isn’t good or bad, as you’ll see, it’s just efficient

Our unconscious mind is not just this dark cupboard where things get stashed out of sight so we don’t have to deal with them.

Kind of like those now embarrassing fashion, or furniture choices we regret, or things we meant to throw out or repair, but never got around to it.

Our unconscious mind is not even a location. It’s a living, functioning psychological matrix.

Its job is to incorporate our unseen parts into a more integrated whole. So becoming aware of things that lie under your mind’s surface is not a lucky accident. It’s your unconscious mind at work.

How is this relevant to your lack of sexual fulfilment?

Your unconscious, ever the opportunist, can try and sneak your deeply held needs into sex, under the guise of sexual desire, in order to get them met. When the needs might not be about sex at all.

This not only detracts from the free flow of your life force energy and reduces your capacity for pleasure. It also leaves you more open to being hurt or triggered when these unconscious needs are met.

When you identify and acknowledge your unconscious needs they no longer act as blocks

If you’re not fully satisfied by the sex you’re having, ask yourself whether you’re really having sex to:

Be needed
Be validated
Get love
Act out or relieve shame
Express anger covertly
Be physically close but avoid intimacy
Have power over something/someone
Get high to avoid real life/relationship issues.

Do you feel any emotional or body response to any of the suggestions on this list? If so, they will be a good place to start looking.

One of the best ways to help you identify any unconscious needs in sex is through your emotions. As your emotions are messengers of your more primal, unconscious mind. Yet we mostly miss out on these gifts of understanding because we make these feelings wrong.

Making What You Feel Wrong

We all have moments in lovemaking where the pleasure, intensity, excitement or feelings of any kind seem to disappear, or even refuse to show up at all. Instead we can feel an emotion surfacing. We stuff it down, thinking that emotions aren’t cool in sex, missing an opportunity to learn about ourselves.

“Emotion plays an enormously important role in sexual desire, arousal and fulfilment. Feelings make sex matter.”
The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin

The emotion isn’t wrong, it just is. It’s your unconscious speaking.

How to Identify Your Unconscious Need:

Being with the truth of whatever is in the moment is the doorway to greater understanding.

take a moment to connect with the emotion
focus on where the feeling is in your body
take a breath into that part
accept it as a messenger
Stay present with it until you get some insight into what is going on under the surface.

Then come back and start making love again if you want.

Or you can do this after the lovemaking, when the sense of something wrong or lacking about the sex you had arises.

It takes acceptance and acknowledgment

When you discover what the real need is for you under the sex, you can just acknowledge it.

To yourself, and if you wish, to your partner. Sometimes this is all that needs to happen, just acknowledgment.

If the need still feels real, you can go about getting it met in another way.

Leaving your lovemaking a clear space for pleasure, connection and love to flow.

Without it being highjacked by your unconscious.

And with the bonus of you feeling better about getting your needs met in an authentic way.

Relationship Apathy: Don’t let it Kill Your Relationship

Healthy Relationships, intimate relationship, Relationship, Relationship Breakdown

If you want to improve your relationship, get onto it early…

Don’t let apathy get in the way…

“Imagine if you found a lump, would you get it checked out quickly or let it go? Imagine how it would be if you let it go untreated for 6 years, you may be in some serious trouble…. The same as couples having difficulties in their relationship, many who suffer an average of six years of unhappiness in their relationship before getting help,” says John Gottman, emeritus professor of psychology and renowned relationship expert.

The answers themselves are sometimes more challenging than “10 Tips To Save Your Marriage’ might imply, but they exist and your answers are unique to you making it not only worthwhile but exciting to discover them for yourself.

One Size Doesn’t Fit All

It is also very difficult to come up with a one size fits all answer to relationship issues, but is more accurate to accept that everyone has them in relationship, in fact they’re unavoidable and perfectly normal.

We see the challenge as not about problem’s themselves,but how each individual takes responsibility in owning and resolving them. Relationship problems are a universal fact of life with every couple, each with particular issues unique to their relationship.
Their relationship dynamics are driven by each, with unique personality quirks brought into relationship, such as feelings of inadequacy, inability to manage anger or identify and express their needs.

If You Desire a Successful Relationship, Then Make an Effort..

Successful Relationships are determined by the degree of effort each individual brings towards resolving their own personal emotional issues and how they bring this into their relationship. Yet many couples remain stuck in suffering or fear, instead choosing to wait on average, about 6 years before seeking help.

Recent research findings on the effectiveness of couples counseling reconfirms the last two decades of research showing that seeking outside help is effective for many couples, with approximately 70% showing positive change. However for 25-30% of couples, counseling is not effective because there is just ‘too much water under the bridge’.

Seek help Early…

All the more reason to seek help earlier as not only do couples succeed, they also achieve happier and healthier life styles. When choosing assistance, it is important to choose a specialist who can manage sessions with more than 1 person in the room.

Couples dynamics are complex and it takes skill to hold, manage and move through their intensity. Unfortunately, un skilled counseling will not help and can actually make things worse, leaving a struggling couple even more reluctant to seek help.

Relationship distress is found to be strongly associated with individual depression, addiction, anxiety, social impairment, poor health and depressed immune function. And if relationship distress involves parenting, their children are much more highly disposed to these problems as well.

So, why is it so hard to seek help ?

In the not too distant past, the quality and expectancy of life didn’t allow the luxury of time and space in developing personal depth and connection with another.

With the dramatic increase in life expectancy and the potential to spend 60 – 70 years or even longer with one person then obviously relationship skills require a totally new approach. Especially when considering the ease and freedom of new opportunities, possibilities and distractions that are now common place for most people.

Originally marriage was all about ownership of property, money and lineage, and monogamy had little to do with desiring to be with just one person for the rest of your life. Modern relationship is now much more about personal desire and individual freedom of choice, but is the skill level required to have this relationship freedom adequate?

I believe we have physically succeeded in creating better and healthier lifestyles, but our evolution of skills in how to integrate these changes into the emotional quality of relationship hasn’t kept up with advances in life expectancy.

But is it fair to place responsibility for relationship apathy on marriage, monogamy or any other model?

Longer Life Means Longer Relationships

The common denominator through these changes is that people have more choice, are living longer, enjoying better health and yet why is this not showing up in happier and longer lasting relationships? Why do so many struggle to the point of giving up or choosing to put up with something that is less rewarding and fulfilling?

Working daily in this field of relationships we come across a huge range of issues, complexities and success’s.

Consistently when relationship “issues” are broken down and delved into there exists a single and common thread of disempowerment or reluctance to delve deeper, to the point of fear or apathy.

This reluctance or fear of delving deeper into, and taking responsibility for owning individual emotional baggage is I believe, the single most significant limitation for any person in relationship in moving forward. They will, for what ever reason, refuse or delay seeking outside support.

There is Always a Way Forward

When any couple approaches us for support or guidance, the first thing we look for is whether they’re on the same page in why they’re seeking assistance. Sometimes their answers are mind bogglingly different in how they see their relationship problems.

It takes skill during these sessions to bring them together in this intensity and into a space where they can each see what is happening and how their patterns are disempowering each of them and their relationship.

With out support, seeing things differently can create an environment in their relationship which is based on their individual fear and shame patterns. Instead of owning their stuff, they project onto or blame their partner and their loving intimate relationship dynamic very quickly becomes a battleground.

Even those couples who have left it too long can, if they choose, reclaim their relationship. If they choose not to, then they will most likely be dealing with these same issues in their next relationship.

It takes determination in relationship to see it through these challenges, particularly relationship apathy, and front up and do your personal development with your partner. If your choice is to be in relationship, it is essential to have a culture of vigilance towards personal growth and essentially, avoid relationship apathy.

Any individual choosing to remain either ignorant or apathetic towards their own learning about themselves will have a challenging time being in relationship.

On The Job Training…

People will always desire to be in relationship with genuine enthusiasm, for emotional connection remains a basic human need, but unfortunately their understanding and skill level in relationship repeatedly will let them down. On the job training is how most of us learn our relationship skills and choosing the right people in supporting your experience is the difference between a life time of happiness and satisfaction and just existing.

Possessing a genuine and enthusiastic desire to learn and experience relationship is what we believe is the main distinguishing skill required to develop the skills required for your relationship success.

So don’t blame yourself, your partner or your relationship for your hurts, instead see this as a lack of decent training and set about getting some!

NB; If you’re one of the 25 – 30%, don’t give up, as we have the skills and experience to guide you through this and support you in claiming your relationship back.

Foreplay Can be the Ruination of Great Sex

Communicating In Relationship, Healthy sexuality, intimate relationship

Relationship Killer: Foreplay as the ruination of great sex

Foreplay- defined as what you do in preparation for the real thing- sex.

It will, if all goes well, get you some good sex.

Yet in order to have really satisfying, even memorable sex foreplay (unless you spend hours and even days at it like like Christian Gery and let’s face it who does that?) is more likely to get in the way.

Foreplay creates an implicit power struggle that limits and separates the lovers rather than uniting them. It becomes a doing with predetermined outcomes along with increased expectations and a high potential for mere performance or disappointment. In other words it activates the egos in your relationship.

Foreplay happens when…

both of you are at your most vulnerable, when you’re beginning to be naked physically, emotionally and sexually. This is the time when your ego is most fearful and most wants to protect you from being embarrassed or made wrong!

It is not so much what happens in foreplay that creates the problem it is the mindset that goes with it, this idea that foreplay is the lead up to the main game. It means there is a goal oriented agenda towards what IS the main game, thereby creating a need to get somewhere.

We commonly believe that ‘foreplay’ is for women and real ‘sex’ is for the man. This ignites a not so subtle power struggle, focussing each in their minds thinking about what they should be giving or getting, disconnecting them from their feelings and blocking enjoyment.

There is also the vital question of how much foreplay is enough, and who gets to decide?

All of this limits the ease and openness that makes being sexual in your relationship feel so great in the first place.

For a man foreplay can:

Be seen as something he needs to give in order to get his ‘real’ pleasure. Or that he needs to ‘give’ his partner an orgasm first to be a good lover.
So he creates a plan of action in order to get to his goal, and his focus is on getting his partner ‘ready’.
His level of skill and confidence will determine his degree of enjoyment and performance pressure.
Sub consciously he can carry resentment at this having to focus on her and hold himself back.
He may have fear of failing to get his partner aroused, or of enjoying it so much he doesn’t last long enough for the ‘main game’. With his focus on his partner he is less aware of, or able to relax and enjoy his own experience.
Carrying this weight of success on his shoulders can reduce his interest in trying again.

For a woman foreplay can:

Feel like foreplay is something she needs to do to ‘get ready’ for penetration.
This puts her into her own performance pressure with the feeling that the clock is ticking, putting her in her head ‘trying to get there’, creating tension in her body and stress from her overactive mind, the total opposite of the relaxation she needs.
If she has a belief it’s the man’s job to get her aroused it leaves her cold or pissed off if he doesn’t/can’t do so. This can stop her from actively participating in her own arousal.
There is underlying fear or resentment about either performing, being good enough or not getting ‘there’ in time and missing out.
In not being fully aroused woman’s pleasure in penetration is limited and it becomes something to get over with as quickly as possible.
The focus on goal orientation limits her ability to relax, open and surrender into the endless full bodied pleasure she is capable of, reducing her interest in ‘next time’.

In porn the focus is almost totally on penetration. In many women’s articles penetration is often seen as getting in the way of a woman’s pleasure. Both of these are limiting points of view.
In foreplay we’re trying to make things happen, getting caught in routines that soon become acutely boring and passion killing, where we know exactly what is going to (or not going to) happen.

If these are not reasons enough to change your mind about your need for foreplay in your sexual relationship there is an even more compelling one-

That our most profound experiences in bed, the ones that stay with us for days, weeks and even years, giving life meaning tend to come from moments of spontaneity or unforseen creativity that surpass anything we could have planned for.

Our very best experiences are nothing like our best-executed agenda.

In fact, all of our trying just gets in the way.

The more we let sex happen rather than making it happen, the more these breakthrough experiences can arise.

Instead of foreplay explore being in each moment fully from beginning to end.

Choose to be simply present without agenda in each moment of sexual connection, whether it is the beginning the middle or the end.

Experience it fully as it is right now, in this moment, exploring it fully, then this one, then this…

Regarding each moment of sex as one of unlimited potential just as it is, rather than a mere passage to somewhere better. Whether it is a moment of high arousal or valley like stillness, experience each one fully.
This experience of what is real and acceptance of what is builds trust and openness, great stepping stones to pleasure, especially for women. It is not about expecting a woman to allow penetration without being ready, more that this way of being invites it to happen without forcing. It also creates a freedom and spaciousness for magic to enter that gives a man a performance break.

Rather than foreplay

Focus instead on getting connected with yourselves – being present inside your own bodies, in the moment, breathing, connecting, feeling, opening. This allows your bodies to respond naturally, opening to the innate creativity that lives within us rather than being forced into following our own, or our partner’s egoic agenda.

Thinking Vs Feeling: How Getting this Can Change Your Relationship

Communicating In Relationship, intimate relationship, Relationship

And Understanding this relationship will change your life!

When we first start to look at ourselves and become more aware of what is happening inside of us it can feel a bit like a journey into madness. This journey is necessary in order to become more whole in ourselves. When we shine the torch light inside of us it is vital to learn the skills for navigating what we discover- the unlimited cornucopia of our stories and the inevitable discomfort of our feelings.

This is the way to satisfying intimate relationship and unlimited sexual pleasure! For the degree with which we are intimate with ourselves is the degree to which we can be intimate and in pleasure with another.

Most of us try to think our feelings

Though this is what most of us try to do, as a way of avoiding the discomfort of actually feeling them. As we become more and more intellectual this becomes more ‘normal’. The problem with this is that it suppresses our authentic connection to ourselves, leaving us more anxious and fear based, more susceptible to mind generated negative thoughts and feelings.

Thinking vs Feeling

The first step is to start taking your awareness from the world around you to the world inside of you and simply notice what is happening- thinking vs feeling.

The second step is to make our feelings OK. If we’re not comfortable in our feelings we judge them as messy, painful and unnecessary. They’re certainly often portrayed that way in our society, whether it’s in emotion fuelled dramas on TV or role modelled by our least favourite ‘over emotional’ relative or co worker. Emotions also get a bad rap from many spiritual philosophies that talk about the need to ‘transcend’ emotions in order to be truly ‘spiritual’. Instead, we suggest accepting them and going through our feelings allows them to feel less like pain and more like aliveness on the way to truth and wholeness.

There are generally two types of feeling paths that people experience (who are often in relationship with each other!):

People with emotional intensity:

If you are someone who has many intense feelings then your journey towards wholeness is starting out fragmented in the intensity and moving toward your centre, where your centre is your rock in the middle of the storm of life. Like the popular poster image of a few years ago with a man appearing at the door of a tiny lighthouse, standing on a foundation no wider than the lighthouse itself in a raging ocean. The man appears without fear, centred and grounded in himself.

This is stepping into a place of control in your feelings is your challenge. Note that I said control ‘IN’ your feelings, rather than control ‘OVER’ them. It sounds illogical yet the experience is one of coming home to yourself, of freedom.

If intense feelings are your normal then your task is to get more present in them so they don’t overwhelm you. To detach your feelings from your story and just feel what is real in your body, by observing your thoughts exactly as they are right now and feeling your feelings as they are in the present moment. Rather than creating more intensity through spiraling thoughts and increasing emotion ie. drama, as this drama becomes like a never ending soap opera with no way out, with you hooked into waiting for the next episode. Taking some slow, deep breaths will help, as taking control of our breath helps us to take control of our feelings.

For when we fully feel any individual feeling it passes and is gone from our body, most often within a few moments, half an hour to an hour at most. If it feels never ending and doesn’t shift, this means you are still not experiencing it fully, and staying in the drama of your thoughts. If this is happening be gentle with yourself and see if you can stop and go more deeply into the feeling- ending your intensity sooner! You will know it has shifted when you feel clear of it.

People with little emotionality:

However if you are someone who has been very intellectual rather than feeling based it can seem chaotic and overwhelming to start feeling (not to mention pointless).

If you are new to feeling your task is to value your feelings and trust that they have a purpose, that they will offer you useful information about yourself. And that from this perspective they will also offer you freedom- for at its deepest point freedom is simply a feeling in your body.

Your practice is recognizing when you are thinking and unaware of your feelings. You do this by pausing and taking your attention inside you and simply noticing. Taking some deeper breaths can help, as the more you breathe the more you feel. You might first notice you are feeling nothing, this is still a feeling!

Remember that to fulfil your deepest desire of feeling connected with another you must first feel this connection with yourself.

Connection is a feeling in itself.

We can’t separate our feelings and decide we want to feel happy, excited, loving or connected etc whilst avoiding feeling sad, scared, hurt or alone.

We either feel or we don’t.

Whilst we may think we can feel happy etc whilst suppressing our so called negative emotions what we actually experience is a mere echo of what is possible. This interestingly also include our feelings of sexual pleasure.

Which means if you want better orgasms you need to start feeling more emotional!

And by feeling emotional we don’t in mean the socially accepted model- that of acting out our emotions all over the place! We mean simply feeling them.

For if you desire intimate relationship, if you want more love, closeness, happiness and even pleasure and excitement in your life then getting into healthy relationship with your feelings is vital because all of these good things are feelings!

One of the main reasons we avoid intimacy, or it goes pear shaped is down to our inability toconnect with or be with this part of ourselves. We see this over and over again in the work that we do with couples. We personally know this one from the inside out too, due to the intense nature of our relationship and life changes we’ve called in over the last few years- where our emotional intelligence has been invaluable, the difference between life and death!

Feelings are not good or bad

Emotions such as fear, anger, sadness and feelings like guilt and shame are not the only feelings we’re capable of, they just tend to be the messiest. It doesn’t mean our painful feelings are wrong it just means we need to learn how to deal with them.

Of course we can also experience many other feelings such as happiness, gratitude, openness, joy, peace, ease, love, pleasure etc. Our biggest challenge with these so called ‘positive’ feelings is that we don’t know we have the choice to access them inside ourselves and miss out on them whilst waiting for external circumstances to offer them to us.

We can’t choose to feel some feelings and not others, we either feel or we don’t. We miss out on feeling truly, mindblowingly wonderful by avoiding feeling so called ‘bad’. It’s all just feeling.

Our feelings have a purpose

Emotions are part of our communication and survival systems. In the west they are thought to be created in the oldest part of our Primal brain as part of our survival system, in the east are thought to exist as energy in motion (E-motion) in the body.

A simple way of thinking about feelings in our bodies is to imagine them like water flowing through a hose. When we choose to avoid a feeling we put a kink in the hose, creating a backup of water that eventually leaks out in other areas. The way to unkink the hose is simply to acknowledge and feel the feeling.

Our problem is trying to answer a feeling problem with thinking answers. We do this because we subconsciously believe it keeps us safe and in control. There are times when this is necessary and others when it just gets in the way. We all genuinely want to feel loving and loved in our relationships, and try to do the right thing, so we experience much inner turmoil when we’re triggered into feelings and behaviours that are the opposite of what we want. This inner conundrum, driven by our social conditioning and Egoic fears about emotions, creates confusion, disconnection and shame inside us making it difficult to step further forward into intimacy.

Thoughts and feelings are separate.

Thoughts happen in the mind. Feelings happen in the body.

Feelings are NOT thoughts and you cannot think them.

But they are strongly related to each other-

Thoughts can create feelings: today is Valentines Day and I believe I will receive flowers from my lover therefore I feel happy.

Feelings can also create thoughts: I feel scared as I want to tell my partner I love her. The fear of rejection makes me think she will see me as needy and I will be rejected again.

Triggered feelings from something outside of us: Anger in response to my husband sitting in front of the tv instead of helping me with the kids.

Triggered feelings from inside of us (usually from our past): feeling my girlfriend not being interested in me brings up feelings I experienced with my mother being emotionally unavailable.

WE all have these four kinds of feelings experiences and not knowing how to deal with them keeps us separate from our authentic self and from those around us as we act out, disconnect, pull away or shut down.

Thoughts help us understand whilst staying in control.

Feelings seem like they take us out of control and understanding comes after they have been felt. This sense of being out of control can be greatly lessened by simply choosing to acknowledge, feel, understand, enjoy and resolve our feelings.

Exercises to try:

Practice noticing whether you ‘thinking’ your feelings in your head, or feeling them in your body. If you are thinking them, pause and bring your attention to your body and notice what you are actually feeling, separate from your thoughts.
Practice noticing whether your thoughts are creating your feelings, or your feelings are creating thoughts, and whether your feeling triggers are external or internal. Noticing this will show you what to do about them.