Replacing Pornography With Tantra
If pornography is an issue in your life or your relationship, introducing yourself to Tantra (these links are to another of our secure websites) is a powerful pathway in significantly reducing your un healthy porn attraction.There is on such thing as Porn addiction, porn simply validates our sexual natures….
Because sex is everywhere and such a huge part of who we are, making watching porn wrong indirectly makes our sexuality and sense of self wrong. Because of its power, sexual images pervade all types of media as a reliable attention grabber for slick marketing programs, used to sell everything from cars to ice creams. As a result, sex seems like it should be freely accessible to all of us and porn makes it possible at the click of an icon or two.
Porn starts out being an incredibly powerful and alluring look into an otherwise hidden and very personal act.
Internet porn offers us a much more detailed and graphic view of sex than sneaking a look at Dad’s girlie mags ever did, leaving us glued to the screen and readily filling up spaces once left largely to our own imaginations.
Porn is freely available, immediate, exciting, satisfying to our ‘sexual itch’ and validates the reality of our sexual natures, a relief from most other parts of life that try to deny or control it.
Porn is targeted at Men’s Sexual Desire
Porn is mostly targeted at men’s natural and essential desire for sex, at their sexual vulnerability, their fantasy attraction to a particular type of sexual partner-the shape of their bodies, curves and particularly the look and feel of feminine sexuality, and choice of sexual style. It’s also reliable, without the fear, or reality, of rejection, something sex in the real world is definitely not! It gives men a place to indulge their desire for sexual variety without risking their relationships.
It gives them a way to keep their sexuality alive when sex is not available in their relationship.
It can also spice things up in the bedroom for a while…
By targeting these desires, pornography creates a fantasy experience for the watcher then leaves them “high and dry”, because all porn can ever do is create an illusion of satisfaction, ending in frustration for the user and resulting in more porn watching in an unconscious attempt to achieve the fulfilment he truly longs for.
At this point, it can most likely be the issue is not porn, but something else, something else that makes it so much easier to blame porn and overlook what is really happening.
When watching porn, you’re largely focused outside of yourself and on the screen, allowing the images to “feel” for you.
When this occurs regularly, it is desensitising for a man, and the end result usually is loss of sexual and emotional feeling, either numbing down, becoming trigger sensitive or having issues achieving an erection without intense stimulation.
Like too much of any good thing, continual use of porn can lure the watcher into a world that is ultimately dissatisfying, lonely and sexually frustrating, wherever its use limits the real thing.
This is especially true if the watching of porn is shame based ie. it acts out the shame the viewer has about their sexuality.
Porn is a visual medium
Because porn is something that we watch, it’s focussed on the visual- the nakedness, the wet pussies and hard cocks, the penetrating, thrusting, ejaculating, squirting action of sex, with a never ending variety of partners, positions and locations.
Porn portrays unrealistic sex
In real life women are not effortlessly wet, men are not permanently hard (at least not without Viagra) and thrusting doesn’t need to be continually hard for pleasure to be had. In fact, a man does not even need to be hard at all to have a full bodied orgasm. Truly satisfying sex, as in Tantric sex, comes from how it feels rather than how it looks. In fact when it’s really good, we don’t give a damn about how it looks! In fact, Tantra is pretty boring as a visual medium as the action is more internal… Tantra teaches us that there is incredible pleasure, and satisfying connection to be found in the slower moments as much as the active ones. Especially if you consciously deep breathe, which is not something you’ll see actors doing in mainstream porn…Porn is Luring People into Abusive Relationships
Mainstream Porn has become a common form of sex education, but without the added understanding of what happens in real relationships, it’s leaving people, especially the young, more at risk of the negative impacts of porn.
Young women feeling they must behave “like a porn star” to be liked, consenting to things they might otherwise not in fear of being rejected, or at least sharing naked “selfies” with their boyfriend.
Young men are believing the actions and attitudes depicted in porn are how they’re to behave towards women, and how they can expect women to respond.
Doctors are increasingly and alarmingly experiencing an increase in sexual injuries, as young people attempt to copy the unrealistic porn that stars act out.
The challenge in porn is having it seen as the norm in sex, limiting our perspective at to what is actually possible between people in the bedroom where they actually connect with all of each other, not just their genitals.
Porn Creates a Fantasy of Sexual desire
Porn creates a fantasy of fulfilled sexual desire, enticing with its easy access and its privacy, particularly when the watcher doesn’t have to deal with any messy emotional crap, leaving him thinking this is how all sex should be- instant gratification with little effort or emotion. This will piss off most women, and rightly so. Many men struggle with the emotional intensity of relationship. But, it is important to understand that men are highly capable of emotional work with the right motivation (truly fulfilling sex).Is Romance Porn for Women?
If as a woman, you’re feeling the hackles on your neck standing up at this image of a man taking the easy way out, take a moment to see things from his
perspective through an example a bit closer to home.
The romance industry, widely available through movies, books, advertising and chats with your girlfriends, exerts an equally manipulative effect on a woman, similar to the impact that porn has on men.
Stories of instant attraction to a perfect man offering a woman everything her heart desires with very little real effort on her part is the female flip side of porn.
These romantic fantasies have a similar “passive making” impact on women, creating many false expectations for men to aspire to and leaving women feeling frustrated when they’re not met.
The difference is, romance has general society’s support and slips beneath the radar while men carry the worlds’ unconscious judgment about their desires for porn, adding even more intensity to their feelings of sexual and emotional inadequacy.
Porn is an easy place to dump our stuff…
A man can get many of his sexual needs met and avoid his sexual and emotional insecurities by using porn. The opposite happens for a woman- it readily activates hers. Yet if you take a look at what is underlying the obvious, it’s possible to see that the porn is merely the trigger, rather than the cause of the problems. Because a sexually healthy man can use porn for occasional titillation and that’s that. A sexually healthy woman knows her man will never get it better than he does with her and is not threatened by it.
So if challenges come up around porn use, either your own or your partners, go inside yourself and own what is really going on for you, rather than simply making porn the culprit.
This will allow you to relegate the porn to its right perspective and deal with your own stuff from a place of greater clarity.
Especially if you find yourself (or your partner) addicted to porn.
If your desire for porn is shared openly with your partner, and any concerns around it dealt with, it may even have a positive impact in your intimate sex life.
Not discussing it, either from your own shame or apathy will damage your relationship far more than porn on its own ever can.
You can beat your porn addiction with Tantra
Problems occur when porn is used as an avoidance of dealing with other areas of your life. This is incredibly frustrating for both and can increase the man’s feelings of shame and inadequacy, impacting on his partners self esteem as well. Understanding this is crucial in getting to the bottom of what is really happening, because simply focusing on porn will most likely shame the watcher and only add to their already exisiting levels of avoidance. Partners usually feel a mixture of frustration, shame, fear and abandonment if their partner is a habitual porn user.
Because of the nature of attraction that men particularly have towards porn, any negative or shaming comments will only make his problem worse, pushing him even further into his shame.
The best, safest and healthiest way in beating porn is, rather than focussing on the wrongness of it, is to create a healthy sexual relationship alternative, and this is where learning Tantra comes in.
Oztantra specialises in refocusing your relationship and learning how to beat porn.
Our Oztantra online Relationship course, couples Retreat or sexuality of the heart workshop will support you in moving past addiction to porn and into something more rewarding.Learning Tantra is the opposite to porn
At Oztantra, we believe the most effective method for dealing with the negatives of porn is in creating your own healthy alternative, a healthy sexual relationship, starting firstly with yourself. When this happens, your desire for porn is greatly reduced or may even disappear. There is no substitute for the real thing, and when real sexuality is part of your life, porn is relegated to the occasional place where it belongs. This is one of the fringe benefits of tantra, that accessing the greatly enhanced sexual pleasure that is possible for men requires clarity in heart connection with himself. How this appears from the outside for men, is Pornography significantly reduces the watchers ability to feel their sexual pleasure, and is why addiction creeps in, as porn requires more and more use as it becomes even less fulfilling. If you want to find out more, a simple skype session will definitely get you started.Embodied Tantra can heal porn addiction, because tantra for men is heart connection
A foundation aspect of Tantra for men is in opening and validating his open heart connection. This is crucial in moving past porn addiction, as his open heart connection with himself rather than the screen, is his pathway to opening up his pleasure pathway.
In this place, his authentic sexuality, which is deeply heart based and highly more pleasurable, starts to emerge and will greatly reducing his need for porn. Pornography significantly reduces the watchers ability to feel their sexual pleasure, and is why addiction creeps in leaving most men only achieving a very small percentage of their capacity for pleasure from their sexuality. Tantra turns this around by significantly increasing his capacity for pleasure, making porn less attractive, because he has found something much more fulfilling. It is this heart connection with himself that porn gets in the way of.
This sounds simple, but for a lot of people it is far from being an easy choice.
If you’re in relationship and your partner is a significant porn watcher it can definitely help to seek professional guidance in moving forward in your relationship. We’re here to support you.
Healthy Sexuality Overpowers Desire for Porn
It is important to develop a program to get off porn, either by yourself or with help, but most importantly this program needs to work with your sexual desire rather than against it. Pressure on any one who watches porn is intensely shaming and most men respond in squashing their feelings of sexual desire by going into shame. If in doubt, get support for yourself. Creating healthy sexual desire is crucial for a man to live a happy and fulfilling life, especially if he wants to be in a relationship long term.Healthy Man brings heart into the bedroom
Understanding the following concept is crucial in reversing the grip that porn can exert and in creating your own healthy alternative. This concept is that in a happy, healthy sexual relationship, the masculine brings his open heart while the feminine brings her open sexuality. This is a powerful understanding that may be challenging for some to grasp. Yet simply ask yourself what does a woman most desire from her man, and what does a man most desire from his woman? Putting porn into the middle creates chaos in this dynamic as it takes a man away from his heart and locks a woman into a limited way of being sexual. If porn is an issue in your life, simply recognizing and treating porn as a result of a deeper challenge is a healthy beginning. If you’re a woman, and the man in your life watches porn, validating his desire to feel and
keep his sexuality alive is a good start in creating change. As is believing that underneath his current behaviour his desire for you, a real live woman still exists. Treating this desire as pure gold will bring him back into desiring your realness, even if he is not behaving like the Romeo or Christian Grey (50 Shades) that your romantic conditioning may crave!
When you can trust in this and show him the sexual woman you are and your desire for him, chances are that you will soon start getting more of his attention. Men are different to women (wow) and women, trust that your man desires you, because you’re real, you have curves and when open and connected to your own sexuality, a hell of a lot more fun than a computer screen.
You can beat your porn addiction with Tantra by creating real relationship, and if you desire to find out more, email link or a Skype session will definitely get you started in a positive way.
There are some very good Tedtalks via Youtube that may help you in understanding the depth of this issue for some men.
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Annette & Graeme Oztantra ©2014