The power of owning our desires…
I said to Graeme the other day “I want you to kiss me” and the lack of response I was anticipating (I got the kiss just not any joy, or passion for that matter…) made me wonder if I should look further into what was happening.
The easy response was to get pissed off and go into all sorts of story about why Graeme’s response didn’t meet my expectations. This is what I did and I got into the following mind games as a result:
Making myself wrong: I’m not sexy/attractive enough, he doesn’t desire/love me anymore (victim)
Making him wrong: He’s just a ….for not giving me what I want, he’s just closed down (perpetrator)
Understanding his potential perspective: Maybe he’s just having a bad day (rescuer)
Letting go of personal judgement: the timing wasn’t right (higher self)
Looking a little further I replayed the experience not just in my mind but I also felt it in my body.
What I first noticed was:
I looked for something to make the hurt better.
Because I didn’t want to feel the rejection in his lack of response I went into my head and made some judgments (negative of course!) instead to distract me, and provide some self righteousness to prop up my ego.
This all took only moments and happened so fast I didn’t realise it until I went back later.
Then more became clear:
– I’d had the initial thought “I want Graeme to kiss me” but I now noticed it was not strongly linked to any physical desire ie. I couldn’t feel it.
– I noticed that in asking for the kiss my attention was focussed outside of myself on Graeme and whether I would get it or not. This meant that his lack of response felt more painful to me because I was disconnected from myself.
– I noticed the underlying expectations I’d had of his response, leaving me open to disappointment if I got anything less.
– Expecting something specific from Graeme in the fantasy in my head potentially left him feeling manipulated by my trying to drag something specific out of him.
Looking for a more enjoyable experience next time I tried a different approach:
– I first identified the desire for the kiss and took a moment to feel it fully in my body.
– Staying connected with the feeling and so connected with my body and myself I approached Graeme with words of ownership rather than request. (self creator)
– I said to him, whilst enjoying the feeling, that I would like to kiss him. For that is where my felt desire was leading me: from wanting to get something to wanting to express it from within me. (self creator)
– I felt wonderfully alive and powerful in doing so and Graeme’s response was very different.
– He looked me right in the eyes, felt my desire, smiled coyly in a way that seemed like it was through his whole body
– And he kissed me with real enthusiasm. (co creator)
It was a great kiss!
– And Graeme didn’t mind being told he was desired either 🙂
And the interesting thing was:
I was enjoying feeling my desire so much that whether I was kissed or not became a bonus rather than a requirement!
Of course on another day I may have made the same request for a kiss and have it met readily and with enthusiasm (especially if I was fully connected with my desire for it) yet I am glad I had the opportunity to learn and share with you how powerfully fully feeling and owning our desires puts us in a power position.
Make an exploration of your own request versus desire and see what you discover for yourself.