Sitting in front of us is a man who is hurting and he doesn’t know why.
All he knows is that he’s hurting.
He is feeling stressed, maybe depressed, or bewildered, controlled or burdened by life. What he longs for is freedom from his pain.
He seeks this freedom in sex but finds it is leaving him less and less satisfied.
He also longs for some kind of connection with another human being to help him feel human again, loved and desired instead of isolated and alone. He believes that sex should give him this but these desires too, are going largely unsatisfied.
It’s getting harder for him to propose sex as his fear of rejection, of his pathway to the things he longs for, is annihilating.
His erections frighteningly are becoming less reliable.
He covers his pain with store of bitter throw away lines, off colour jokes, bravado and silence.
What is happening here is a man victimized by his conditioning, unable to find a way out.
We let him know that his way out is becoming more sexual, not less.
He looks at us with bewilderment on his face.
“Isn’t my focus on too much sex the thing that is getting me in trouble in the first place?”
We say again that the way out for him is a gaining greater love for himself and his sexuality.
Not to just go through the motions of what he’s been taught sex is.
But to find true freedom in it, all the way through, rather than just at the end.
And that doing so will bring him more of the pleasure and feelings of connection that he longs for. Feelings that will not disappear with the end of his erection.
He says that the sex he’s having now is pretty good, he could just learn to perform a bit better.
We ask him if his sex is truly satisfying, if it leaves him him sated for hours, if not days, and feeling energized rather than spent?
“Is that really possible?” he says.
We reply “Not only is this possible but it’s not reliant on your ability to perform, give your partner an orgasm or even have an erection”.
We ask him too, if the sex he’s having now touches his heart?
Or does it rely on some form of control or shame- an edginess or dirtiness for it to work for him?
Or is he free to flow from the edges of intense passion to exquisite tenderness and back again?
Deeply fulfilling sex is mandatory for a man to live a truly satisfying, happy and healthy life.
Despite what he might have been told, this doesn’t have to look a particular way, it’s more about where the man is being inside of it. His sex can be hot, passionate, naughty, edgy and more, the difference is his heart is open and his sex is not controlled by power games or shame.
This world is suffering from the majority of men being shamed about and disconnected from their true sexual nature. Their conditioning leads them to seek tension and release, needing to perform and finding freedom in their ejaculation rather than in the act of sex itself. Not to mention causing them to miss out on the infinite pleasure and love they are capable of. This leads to sex with a partner soon becoming a thing of the past.
The deeper, more expansive his sex the more life, love, true power, freedom and happiness he will feel in himself and bring to his world.
When his heart connected sex closes down man clings to what he knows and fears change.
When he is closed off, emotionally unavailable and shamed he cannot express his fears, share his true desires or respect his partners boundaries. The messages he receives about how he ‘should be’ in sex come from other men equally in the dark, from women who want him to be something that he is not or from today’s overwhelmingly negative sex culture. Messages about how wrong he is shame and disrespect his sense of self and leave him less able to respect his own, and his partner’s desires and boundaries.
Patriarchy, civilized and politically correct society shame him for wanting the rawness of sex and lock him into performing, denying him the freedom of really feeling, enjoying and opening into it. Easy access to the powerful medium of porn, whether it’s online or in the ads he sees on his way home from work manipulate him into believing porn sex is the only form of sex there is. Porn hijacks man’s wild side and steeps it in shame, leaving him desiring sex that is disconnected from who he really is, despite appearing to serve it.
Even today man has been raised to have a tough exterior shell against the world, to be sexual from this shell and go for what he ‘thinks’ he wants. To take, or to give at the expense of himself, rather than to express who he truly is. His conditioning leaves him unconscious in his power over woman in sex, not seeing her willingness to override herself and fake sex in her need to please him. Or it leaves him unable to fully meet her genuine sexual desire because of his own place of shame in the #MeToo age.
He will not tell the truth of his experience because it is unsafe for him to do so.
Even if a man has a clue that there is something more to be had in sex the pervading anti sex, porn sex and the derision of toxic masculine culture will shame his voice before it gets a chance to be expressed.
Man needs permission to unleash his full masculine energy and access his wild warrior heart to allow his spirit to soar and his soul to be free.
As well as allowing him to receive love and holding giving him to access his tender heart as a man, rather than grasping at it as an unformed boy.
Only at this level can he truly trust and love himself enough to be fully seen.
This is a man worth being with for a lifetime.
We have seen this over and over again in the men we have worked with over the years. This is how to make a beginning…
As a Man it is time to change your sexual goals to give you more of what you want
Rather than following your instinctive nature to pursue, catch and bask in the achievement of woman instead pursue your understanding of your own sexual nature. Pursue its ultimate pleasure, power, freedom and yes, even love. Not love of the romantic kind but mysterious love that lies beyond words, that is about you as much as your partner, that is about the very essence of life itself.
Learn to enjoy sex in full bodied relaxation and unlimited pleasure. Know that your whole body can become as pleasurable as your cock if you breathe and relax. Be free to play in the moment, opening yourself to the potential of meaningful, real time connection. Connect your cock to your heart and find your masculine divinity through your sexuality rather than learning to make love like a woman. Discover your open your masculine heart, for the softer you become in your masculine heart the harder you become where it counts.
Supporting Man to move beyond his conditioning
Rather than criticize his performance and drive him further into shame, insensitivity and numbness ask him what he is truly longing for in sex (this is going to lie outside of his shame and his conditioned responses and will take time for him to access it).
Let him know you desire to meet him there.
Keep asking till he believes you really want to do so.
Support and validate his vulnerability in this place.
Keep asking till he unravels a lifetime of conditioning- of beliefs, habits, body tension and genital numbness.
Touch his genitals and spread your touch out the rest of him, so he can learn to relax and let go, rather than leave this bit of him till last. Encourage him to breathe deeply and go slow.
Explore with him to find what IS possible, that which lives beyond your wildest dreams, because this is where you will BOTH get what you most want.
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